Well, church. My pastor spoke a prophetic word when he said, “As long as you great, haters gon’ hate.” Just as the NUNU: No Uncles, No Uterus movement got off the ground, a huge scandal broke out in a southern megachurch. A group of parents recently accused Pastor John Jenkins(who goes by Uncle Pastor) of intent to manipulate their teenage sons and daughters. Uncle Pastor recently started two ministries, Pastor’s Adopted Nephews Teen School (PANTS) and Pastor’s Adopted Nieces Teen and Youth School (PANTYS), for the at-risk, uncle-less children of the church. Former members say that he often preached to the men about getting involved in the PANTS and PANTYS of the church. He told them it was their duty to misguided youth who would never have a chance in this life without surrogate uncles. The members say they never caught on to the sexual innuendos imbedded in the sermons or titles of the schools. They began to get suspicious when Uncle Pastor gave their children wine at evening services, pointing to passages in scripture when Jesus turned water into wine for the children of his brother, James. The schools were officially closed before Uncle Pastor could do further harm. The travesty of this situation is that feminists are blaming movements like NUNU for creating a “narrative of need.” One church mother said, “My family was fine until Uncle Pastor convinced them otherwise. He didn’t have to break out into “Sometimes I Feel Like an Uncle-less Child” every Sunday! This story about uncle-less-ness is just that- a story.”  The devil is a lie!

If uncle-lack is little more than a story, how does one explain the alarming statistic that young women without uncles are more likely to have sex before the age of 25? Although there was no control group in this study, the numbers show that many of the sexually active young women were products of mothers without brothers- a group that grows at an alarming rate. If uncle-lack is little more than a story, how does one explain gang activity on the uncle-less streets of cities like Compton? It’s a vicious cycle; as more uncles are murdered or jailed, new generations of uncle-less men rise up in anger. If uncle-lack is little more than a story, how does one explain the popularity of Uncle Luke in strip club culture? Do you think those women would answer to “Where dem hoes at?” if they had loving uncles at home who asked better questions? Do you think the women below would have degraded themselves at Uncle Luke’s birthday party if their biological uncles had thrown them their own parties?

Feminists and so-called cultural analysts are alike in that they judge practical movements from the comfort of their ivory towers. Sure, your educated readings of statistics may read differently than ours, but things tend to look a little different on the ground. To the ivory towers we shout, “Quit talkin’ bout narrative; remember the imperative” [The author would like to note that the use of off-rhyme and assonance is a literary tool to garner the attention of the masses and is not to be taken literally. She does sympathize with narrative lovers because she used to be one]. The imperative is uncle-less-ness in our communities. There is no reason to have wars over semantics when we’re trying to find uncles for our future generations.

The writers of NUNU and those who are likeminded did not place Uncle Pastor in the pulpit. The uncle-less did. The writers of NUNU did not buy Uncle Pastor’s Honda Civic. The uncle-less did. The writers of NUNU did not help Uncle Pastor manipulate PANTS and PANTYS. The uncle-less did. It wasn’t the story that gave him the glory [author again notes use of literary device]. It was the need that fed his greed [and another one]. If there were active uncles in the congregation, Uncle Pastor would never have been able to manipulate the youth.

Uncle-lack is real and here to stay. Pondering over whether the narrative creates this lack is like trying to answer the age old question about the chicken and the egg. Does the answer matter when folks at the picnic are waiting for the missing fried chicken? Readers, our communities are pounding the picnic tables for missing uncles.  Won’t you just bring them out?

P.S. You don’t agree with us? We invite you to join us instead of setting up your own divisive camps. I know this may seem absurd to you (or if you’re ableist, insane, nuts, or cuckoo for cocoa puffs), but we know best. We have the numbers; over 100 bloggers support NUNU, so we must be telling the only truth. If you can’t beat us, join us. In the meantime, hide yo’ uterus, hide yo’ ovaries, and get you a brother to help raise your kids!  

P.S.S. The brother from whom the last line is quoted was trying to save his NIECE.