Okay, so now that I have shared with you the trials and tribulations of coming out to my mother, the difficulty of working in an often homophobic academic environment and revealed my most un-feminist moments, I feel like we’re friends now. I mean, you sure do know a lot about me. Some things you may not know about me: writing terrifies me, I’m so private that Facebook freaks me out on a daily basis, and I’m actually quite shy. But now that we are friends, and I have invited you into my life, I feel like I can share some more.
So…Crunkista has had her heart broken, torn straight out of her chest, and trampled on by many a woman. Each time it happens, I dramatically ask myself “WHY ME? WHYYYYYYYY?” Is it me? Am I asking for too much? Is compassion, loyalty, kindness, maturity, love, respect, feminist/progressive ideals, and friendship too much to expect from another person? The most important question: why do I keep dating different manifestations of the same woman?
So, as I ponder on my fate as a brokenhearted feminist, and after yet another trifling disappointment, I am forced to bring back and share with you my foolproof “How to get over my ex checklist”:
To Do List
• Cry. A lot.
• Listen to Jill Scott’s live rendition of “Love Rain.” On repeat. Why? Because, “You broke me, but I’m healing.”
• Become extra diligent at work. It keeps your mind busy and will only make your boss appreciate you more.
• Call on your girls. Like true friends they will always tell you that “she was indeed a fool, that you are pretty damn-near perfect, and that it was undoubtedly her loss.”
• Get yourself a therapist. S/he definitely won’t tell you that you are perfect and may help you sort out through a lot of issues. Objectively.
• Don’t call your mother. She will only tell you that this would have never happened, had you dated a man. Don’t call her. **Disclaimer: many mothers are feminist/supportive but when it comes to my sexuality, mine just isn’t there yet. Hopefully, one day she will be.**
• Spend ridiculous amounts of time at the gym. Endorphins are like crack. Whether you are working up a sweat or watching other people work up a sweat, it will at least get you out of the house. More importantly, moderate physical activity is good for your mind, body and spirit.
• Stop checking her Facebook page. Seriously. Stop. In fact, delete her from your Facebook friends. Delete all of her friends too. Within the very small queer community this can get complicated and sometimes may result in severe loneliness. But, trust me. Updates of pictures of your ex with a new girl (less than a week after the break up) may send you into uncontrollable fits of rage, despair, and unhealthy criminal fantasies. You do not want to be the next woman featured on Snapped.
• Watch out for the inevitable and unfortunate rebound situation. You may not be in the right emotional space to really accept another person. This is sometimes damn near impossible to do because that black hole in your heart needs some serious distraction. But don’t say I didn’t warn you.
• Reread your favorite books. Alchemist here we go again.
• Do something you have always wanted to do but for whatever reason didn’t. In my case, taking salsa classes has been my saving grace. I have a new found family of left-footed misfits who make me laugh at least twice a week.
• Cry some more. Sometimes you won’t even know why but you just have to.
Lately, and like I said after “yet another depressing disappointment,” my “fool proof” list isn’t enough and I need to do something truly feminist. I need to ask for help. I need to call on my sisters because I need some real feminist answers. So I ask you, friend, how do you mend a broken feminist heart?
Writing bad poetry that you will regret in the coming months and years has always worked for me. It does, however, give you the strong urge to send it to the person it was written about either in revenge or because that is EXACTLY what you wanted to say when the walls came tumbling down. If all else fails take a walk near something pretty, take pictures of yourself and take in that feeling of near peace. I’m sorry your heart was broken :(. It gets better, though. Promise!
Actually, save a two week limit on the unlimited crying spells mine mirrors yours exactly — even down to the salsa classes : )
Use fashion, step it up and dress your most stylish; hats, scarves etc. People will notice difference and the compliments will boost your spirits nicely.
I am currently going through a friend break-up, which I am discovering (having never experienced one before) is almost as painful as a romantic break up. Sigh…. funny enough reading wonderful black feminist blogs–like this one fill me with the determination to heal, the conviction that I did all that I could and the knowledge that while I’m not perfect I AM (as are most of us) a normal, fairly decent human being, who deserves healthy happy relationships and lots of lots of love. With that said I agree with the sister above, sit in a pretty spot–outside or inside depending on your preference and breathe beauty in–breathe splendor in–breathe the spectacular in–it reminds us that there is so much good out there in the world and it uplifts and humbles us at the same time.
Other than that well you’ve got all of my strategies covered.. a (or many) good long, warm hug(s) never hurt and platonic human soul to soul contact is an amazing comforter. Wishing your heart healing sis..
I have no advice. Just wanted to say that you are wonderful and your posts make me feel better.
Inevitably I cut all my hair off, clean the crap out of my house, and rededicate myself to those most important to me, in my case, the pack of tiny dogs I herd around. Dancing may be something I take away from your experience.
first, i have to agree — keeping an ex on your facebook is a recipe for disaster. iCant.
i wish i had a great recipe to add but for me, the only recipe has been time. aside from that, you should take yourself on some day-dates. go shopping, check out a movie, hell even go dine at a restaurant by yourself…i do this on the regular and it makes me feel super comfortable with myself.
…and as an added bonus, it’s a great way to meet someone new. i have been often told, and witnessed, that it’s easier for someone to approach you when you’re alone.
For me it’s been finding a pristine beach, swimming out and have the water hold me up since I can’t do it my damn self. There’s of course the added benefit of being able to cry and nobody would be able to tell what with all the water around. It’s happened that the odd turtle or school of fish would go by and that would reassure me that beauty and goodness and integrity still abounds. Now admittedly, having this experience was infinitely easier when I lived in the Caribbean, but that’s another depressing story. Other than that, blasting lots and lots of Nina Simone is my ideal panacea. Putting “Feeling Good” on repeat is a must!
I feel you on this… wow. *empathy and much love for everybody going through this*